I’m going to be away for a couple of days, so no wild parties.

Seymour the Wonder Cat would have continued to do updates while I was away but he has plans, too. I think they involve shredding something.

It’s fairly obvious that Michael Jackson will never rest in peace. His death, like that of Elvis, will continue to be the subject of speculation and bullshit rumours.

In fact it will probably be worse than all the “Elvis is still alive” idiocy because we’re deep in the internet age so the conspiracy theorists, money-grubbing twats and other freaks have an easier job spreading their stories.

Naturally, there’s a site out there that already claims his death was faked, and no, this time I’m not talking about “celeb” blogger Perez Hilton and his appalling display of tackiness on the day Jackson died.

Michael Jackson Sightings has some incredibly pixelated, low-quality photos it claims are of the King of Pop, taken after his death. It also claims he hired a double. It also … ah hell, it claims a whole lot of stuff that most of us will realise is a whole lot of crap.

Unfortunately, there will be a handful of people who will buy into the theory and it then we’ll be stuck with it.

Anyway, the site has reported sightings of him from all over the world, including one from here in little old New Zealand, just up the road in Queenstown in fact. Hmmm, maybe that’s got something to do with all these earthquakes we’ve been having (cue spooky music and nervous look).

The latest indignity is the release of the film of his hair going on fire during the making of a Pepsi commercial 20-something years ago. It serves no purpose except to give the ghoulish their jollies so I won’t link to it here … if you want to see it, find it yourself.

Everyone’s Perez Hilton’s favourite wannabe Perez Hilton has jumped on the bandwagon with this comment on the video:  ”Could the family have released it and sold it for a hefty profit?????”

Oh he’s a class act. Mrs Lavandeira must be so proud of her boy.

PS: Surely I’m not the only one who sees the irony in Hilton referring to that Jon Gosselin dude’s new bit of fluff as a famewhore?

I guess now that Nasa has admitted that the original recordings of the first men landing on the moon from 40 years ago were accidentally erased and taped over, the tin hat-brigade will have something new to pin their hopes on.

Nasa is having other footage of original landing footage tweaked and tidied up in a digital makeover so I can imagine the “they never went landed on the moon” nutbars will be looking at that new footage and pointing out even more reasons for their bizarre beliefs.

Although I’m more interested in just who it was who cocked up in the first place. I bet they don’t let him video the office Christmas parties!

ON THE WEB

• Nasa admits moon landings taped over

Now here’s some good news, full of awesome, chocolatey goodness: a Swiss chocolate manufacturer has - through a delightful mistake - invented a light and airy chocolate bar that has 90 per cent fewer calories than regular chocolate.

Even better, they reckon it doesn’t taste like diet chocolate.

ON THE WEB

• Finally, guilt-free chocolate

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Now here’s a headline to get your attention:

Monster squid terrorise divers

It seems these nasty wee, or actually not-so-wee beasties have been misbehaving. According to a news report:

Thousands of jumbo flying squid - aggressive five-foot-long (152cm) sea monsters with razor-sharp beaks and toothy tentacles - have invaded the shallow waters off San Diego.

The carnivorous calamari, which can grow up to 100 pounds, came up from the depths last week and swarms of them roughed up unsuspecting divers.

Read more

Imagine that, you’re swimming around, minding your own business when next thing you know, a giant squid works you over.

Doesn’t bear thinking about.

Malachy McCourt says his 78-year-old brother Frank has meningitis and is gravely ill.

McCourt is best known for the huge hit Angela’s Ashes.

His brother says he’s in a New York hospice and is unlikely to survive.

He was recently treated for melanoma.