My father-in-law passed away this afternoon so after a quick trip to the office in the morning we’re heading up to Alexandra to help with the funeral arrangements. I’ll be back online on Monday.

It’s a very sad time but there’s also a sense of relief: he’d had a hard time over the past 14 or so months since the death of my mother-in-law. They’d been married for 58 years and he was incredibly lonely without her. His health had been gradually deteriorating but over the past few months that gradual deterioration had sped up, leaving him frail and tired. We’ll all miss him but we’re also relieved that in the end, he went peacefully.

RIP Tom.

Impulse engines stall when used in reverse.

Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at “88″.

Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays.

Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book.

Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with “w”.

Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room.

Captain’s chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering.

Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward.

Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS.

Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb.

Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board.

Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears.

Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese.

Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer.

Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters.

Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley’s shower with frozen concentrated orange juice.

Ship’s dryer indiscriminately shreds crew’s uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed.

Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says “Pretty please with sugar on it”.

Replacement parts for automatic door to captain’s ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains.

Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn.

We are reluctant to tell our kids they aren’t as fast/clever/strong as the next kid because we don’t want them feeling a sense of failure (gotta save the fun stuff for when they’re all grown up) but don’t we, as parents, need to know if our offspring are actually doing okay in the world? And don’ t our children need to know that not everyone can be good at everything?

I can understand some of the fears about “labelling” our children but  how well is the system working when our children are getting to high school with bugger all in the way of literacy skills? I regularly see the results of our “education” system: teenagers and beyond who can’t spell, don’t know what an apostrophe is, can’t properly punctuate a sentence to save themselves and have an inability to do much more than basic addition without the aid of a calculator.

I was chatting to a couple of former colleagues the other day when we were approached by a bloke with a clipboard. That always makes me nervous. People with clipboards usually have strong political views and a strong desire to convert you to their way of thinking. In this case, the political view was “down with national standards”.

Clipboard Man also had pamphlets, which he offered us as a group. One of my former colleague dudes took a pamphlet and wiggled an eyebrow in what I suppose could indicate interest. This gave Clipboard Man his chance: “would you like to sign the petition?”

Eyebrow Wiggler said he would (“I’ll sign anything” he muttered jokingly). The moment Eyebrow Wiggler had finished autographing the petition, Clipboard Man grabbed his equipment (the clipboard that is, keep your mind/s out of the gutter) and he was off down the street to ambush another random passerby.

Did he ask if I wanted to sign the petition? No. Did he ask the third person in our group (a non-wiggler of eyebrows but still capable of signing his name)? No.

Perhaps Clipboard Man is a walking example of why we need national standards.

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

 ”That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up the billed hours from your time sheets.”

(not safe for work, or viewing around children)

Thanks to Erica for the link to the referendum generator. My question relates to hairy blokes. Do your part, have your say (and for gawd’s sake, wax that shit).